The Miserable Student's Words of Wisdom - 2021

 

Now in his sixth year! But he is slowing down a bit as I've not had the chance to update the site very often, so here are the one-liners that made it.... 

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I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for Christmas. She said "Nothing would make her happier than a new smartwatch. So I bought her nothing.

 

Now I'm not saying that I live in a rough area, but the advent calendar I bought had half the windows boarded up.

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Someone tried to explain how to refer to a signal that a danger or difficulty is over, but for me it was all clear.

 

I used to work at a calendar factory, but the bosses didn't like you taking a day off. Somebody once stole a calendar too, and he got twelve months.

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It took me ages to read the 300-page instruction book for my new washing machine. But eventually I celebrated when I finished the Ukrainian section.

 

I went for a job interview at IKEA. I knocked on the interviewer's door and opened it. She said, "come in and make a seat"...

 

They say that money talks. Mine always says goodbye.

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When I was at school, I was told to consider a career in making handles. They told me it would open doors.

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I was a judge at a furniture naming contest. One guy wanted to call his design a slideable table box, the other wanted to call it an internal desk container. I decided to call it a drawer. 

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Recipes are like science-fiction books. You look at the end and you think "Well, that couldn't possibly happen.

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You know you're not university material when your TV or your collection of games is bigger than your collection of hard and soft copy books.

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What have politicians and babies' nappies have in common? They both need changing regularly, and for good reason!

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'I'm terrible at spelling. I mean, how many 'F's' are there in the word 'pharoah'? 

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It's weird, but I've noticed that the older you get, the earlier everything seems late.

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Being told I'm ageing gracefully is saying in a nice way that I'm slowly looking older. And worse.

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Oh my goodness! The water's been cut off! How am I supposed to make coffee now?

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A man walked into a bar. It hurt.

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I'm not very empathetic, but I know friends who are so I can only imagine how they must feel.

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Two conspiracy theorists walked into a bar. ...or did they?

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I booked a table for Valentine's Day. But it wasn't a good night - my girlfriend doesn't play snooker.

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What does ignorance and apathy mean to me? I don't know and I don't care.

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You've lost your sense of touch? How do you feel?

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I bought a digital wig from Apple. It's iPad Hair.

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I don't like the definitions of awful, unpleasant, horrible, and so on. They're not very nice.

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Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, It means a lot.

 

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