The Miserable Student's Words of Wisdom - 2019

 

Fourth successful year! And he's still coming out with these. Here are the best for this year...

​​

I got my girlfriend some make-up used in horror movies for Christmas. I can't wait to see her face when she tries it.

 

All my work colleagues wanted to do this morning was discuss criticizing people who are unable to do their job or a task properly. I mean, talk about incompetence!

 

There's this company that pays me to interrupt people and stop what they're doing and upsetting them. Some people think I'm very disturbing.

​

I wanted to design a very sophisticated, modern and state-of-the-art 500m tall skyscraper, but when the authorities looked at my plans in detail, they told me there were too many floors.

​

I know I'd like to be in the position of giving out permission to everyone, but I can't allow myself to do that.

​

I like using selfie sticks. They help me when I need to have a good, long look at myself.

​

When shopping for furniture, IKEA is the only place I know where you literally have to make the beds.

​

They say that being fat runs in the family. Unfortunately, nobody runs in my family.

​

I couldn't work out why night becomes day, but it eventually dawned on me.

​

I once took on the job of trying to bring a being into existence in Frankenstein's laboratory, but I couldn't make a living out of it.

​

My friend went on a building course and learned how to make concrete. He said it was good, solid work.

​

My friend went on a building course and learned all about the structure and properties of concrete. He said it was hard.

​

I went to a talk titled 'Only ten per cent of everything is as not as bad as you thought' - so this made it only a bit of a disappointment.

​

I've been invited to go to a seminar titled 'The truth about Charles Darwin' but I didn't want to see the event evolve into an argument.

​

I've got this friend who does all kinds of things that can be embarrassing to him and us. He's just told me he's taken up limbo dancing. I mean, how low can you go?

​

When it comes to making a staircase, there are several steps you have to take.

​

I often wondered what happened at the end of night-time. Then it dawned on me.

​

My girlfriend likes to take pictures of liquid flavourings for soups and sauces. She's interested in stock photography.

 

I read that red meat is not bad for you. But furry green meat certainly is...

​

My girlfriend says calling me stupid is the last thing she wants to do. But she says she's now reached the last item on her list.

​

I didn't have any desire to park my car in the grounds of my house. You see, I just don't have any drive.

​

When it comes to counting from zero, I'll stop at nothing.

​

A doctor once found a fantastic sheet of window glass found inside a man's bottom. What a pane in the ass. I know, it's schoolboy standard this week. Sorry about that.

​

I told my friend that I don't have a problem with attitude. It's just that he has a problem with perception.

​

I have a friend who wrote a book but couldn't read, so he regularly checks the top 10 best sellers and wonders if any of the books were his.

​

There's this bookshop that's selling books on top secrets at bargain prices. In fact, they're practically giving them away.

​

My brother's got a huge appetite for books so I bought him one on cookery.

​

My friend loves non-creative thinking. Now he can't imagine doing anything else.

​

I wondered why my friend was so bright. He had a working light bulb in his head.

​

I'm terrible with synonyms. I mean... I'm terrible!

​

What do you call a joke about an individual cruise ship that sailed across the Atlantic? - One liner.

​

I can't see myself working for a company that makes blindfolds.

​

Words of Wisdom 2021   2020  2019   2018   2017   2016   Features   Home

​